In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you’d find all the weird goofs that we couldn’t fit in anywhere else. Some may call it “filler”; we prefer “a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag”. We don’t have pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page.
Today, Kate looks at all the ScarVi ‘mons revealed so far and tier lists the lot based on nothing but first impressions…
Pokémon Scarlet and Violet is almost here, as evidenced by the fact that the Pokémon trailers have been dropping faster than Space Invaders near the bottom of the screen. We now know so much about the upcoming Pokémon games that I’m starting to wonder if there’s any point in playing. I feel like I’ve lived through the entire plot already.
So, while we continue to wait, I’ve decided to make myself feel a little better about Game Freak jamming new Pokémon into my eyes on a daily basis by ranking them all. And I’m NOT GOING TO BE NICE.
A Definitive, 100% Objective Ranking Of All The New Pokémon In Scarlet And Violet
F Rank: The Pokémon That I Would Happily Boot Into A Bonfire
There’s only one Pokémon in this category, and it’s the graffiti lemur. There are a lot of primate-type Pokémon I dislike — the entire Panpour, Pansage, and Pansear lines look like off-brand Pokémon designs from a dodgy keyring shop at the back of a mall, if you ask me — but overall, primate Pokémon are pretty cool, if a bit dull on occasion.
Grafaiai is certainly not dull, but I do not like him for the following reasons:
- Poison Pokémon are the worst
- Gooey fingers? Go wash your hands, mate
- He paints with his saliva
- This official description makes me want to gag: “it licks its hands and fingers to cover them in poison”
- He eats bug-type Pokémon, and those are the cute guys
- His graffiti isn’t even INTERESTING, it’s just CIRCLES
E Rank: No Thank You
I love the scientific discovery that whales used to have legs. Imagining an orca waddling around brings me great joy. So, why don’t I like this land whale? Partly because the design is just a bit boring. I mean, he’s a circle. With legs. He looks like if Kyogre wore one of those gigantic onesie snowsuits for babies. I like the touches of pink and the killer winged eyeliner, but it doesn’t add much — I would have expected that to signal some kind of Ice/Fairy dual typing, but nah. It’s just pink.
Add to that his HORRIBLE teeth, and ugh. I do not want this guy around. Whales with legs were a mistake.
This is just a guy. I do not like the idea of having A Normal Guy in my pocket, thanks.
Honestly, I don’t hate Quaxly all that much, but he is my least-favourite starter of the three. I love ducks and duck Pokémon, and I even like his colouring (that’s a really nice blue!) but he seems smug. I don’t want my companion Pokémon to be smug.
Also, the fact that he secretes hair gel would be bad enough, but here’s how the official website describes it: “The coif on its head is slicked back using a rich, moist cream.” No! Do not put the words “moist” and “cream” together! You’ll put me off every single meal this week!
D Rank: They’re Okay I Guess
Like his companion, Armarouge, Ceruledge is also just a person, but he looks more like a cool Dark Souls boss, so I am slightly more amenable towards him. Still don’t want him on my team, though.
Okay, yes, when Smoliv was revealed, I was in love. He’s smol AND olive!! Buuuuuut he’s also Grass AND Normal, two of the most boringest types. It’s like taking a literal olive to a knife fight.
Look, admittedly, I’m not one to care about the competitive meta or whatever — I tend to choose the cute Pokémon and just give them the beefiest moves — but Smoliv isn’t going to be winning any fights, is he? Poor thing.
I’m a dog person. Come at me.
C Rank: I Could Be Convinced
Listen, I really like this guy! He’s sleek, he looks friendly, and he’s kinda cute, even! But of the three motorbike lizards, he stands out as being pretty uninteresting. He’s the VW Golf to Koraidon’s Mustang and Miraidon’s Bugatti. Sorry, Cyclizar. You’re just too darn practical.
Hear me out. On cuteness, Paldean Wooper is a 9/10, obviously. But that’s largely down to Regular Wooper being an adorable little scamp. Paldean Wooper is riding on Regular Wooper’s coattails, and I think we need to acknowledge that.
Also, as I said earlier, I do not like Poison types.
Look at this guy. He’s just an idiot crab. Incredible. They didn’t even iterate on “crab” that much! He’s just Kingler with fluffy knees!
I probably will end up with this guy in my party regardless, if we’re allowed to catch the Titan Pokémon.
Honestly, it feels a little creatively bankrupt to just reverse an existing Pokémon design, but Farigiraf is really cute. Then again, much like Paldean Wooper, it’s just Girafarig with a hoodie and socks on. And winged eyeliner. Someone on the Game Freak Pokémon design team really likes winged eyeliner.
B Rank: Cute, But Not Cutest
Pawmi is adorable and chunky, which would usually be an immediate favourite for me… but I worry that he’s going to be the Rattata of Gen 9, and I’ll be bored of seeing him everywhere about an hour or two into the game. Plus, Game Freak keeps trying to re-bottle lightning with their Pikachu-likes, and while I have no real problem with that (I do love the fluffy electricity mice), I don’t feel like Pawmi stands on his own merits.
Don’t get me wrong! Koraidon is very cool. He’s a dinosaur who looks like a bike, and that’s rad. But once again, he is not quite as cool as Miraidon. And it bothers me that he uses his legs to run and swim when he has wheels right there! If I wanted a regular leg-animal to ride everywhere on, I would find a horse.
Pig Pokémon are some of the best Pokémon out there. Admittedly, that could be because I think pigs are cute, but Spoink and Swinub are just really great designs — I mean, one’s a spring! And the other one is a sort of sleepy, furry smear?
Lechonk is also great. He’s got those little feet, the little tail, a big piggy nose… so why is he only B-Rank? Because I just know he’s going to evolve into something upsetting. I like him as a little guy, but his evolutionary line is going to end up with him looking like an actual hog roast. I’m calling it now.
A Rank: My Future Best Pals
I promise Bellibolt isn’t ranked so highly just because he’s the newest addition — I think he’s lovely. His shape — which I would describe as slime-like — is so huggable. I quite his teal, orange, and dark grey colour scheme. But best of all, I love his secret eyes. He’s not the first Pokémon to have secret eyes — that might be Mimikyu, although I think there are others I’m forgetting — but I just love his stupid little emoji-face.
He’s also described as “easygoing” and “hungry”, which I can relate to.
I love when the starters look like stupid idiot babies, and Fuecoco has that in spades. He’s just a little dinosaur pepper. He gets excited about apples and accidentally sets himself on fire. Much like Bellibolt, he is described as “laid-back” and “loves to eat”, so I think we’d get on well.
The futuristic lizard-bike wins out of the three purely by virtue of actually looking more like a bike than Cyclizar and Koraidon. Also, the purple-blue-grey-yellow colour scheme is unusual for Pokémon, and makes Miraidon seem futuristic and cool — which is helped by his LED pixel-eyes. I want to know more! Is he a computer Pokémon, like Porygon??
S Rank: Perfect, No Notes
Oh, to be a Joltik on the wall when one of the designers said, “what if Diglett, but long?” 10/10, absolutely genius design.
I mean, come on. Part puppy. Part bread. He’s perfect.
Do you dare disagree with my rankings? Go on, then. Tell me what your S-Rank and F-Rank Pokémon are in the comments below. Let’s tango.